How do children actually feel about their parents divorce?

Hi,

I have had chances to see anger and grief children have on social websites, whose parents are divorced or divorcing. Do you know is there a mechanism in our countries which help children get out of / protect from parental divorce issues? 

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Ah, I've never thought about their situations. I don't know at all, but there must be institutions in each area.

In Canada, I believe every couple who childern who wants a divorce must have one session of mediation, during that time, they will be educated on keeping the interest of the children in the forefront while they divorce.

Some states have a similar thing too.

Unfortunately not! Without professional support or counselling, it is very hard for parents to protect their children from the negativity involved with divorce. Parents need continuous education on how to behave and speak to their children, in order to ensure the kids are not paying the price for their parents' failed relationship. 

I feel it is pretty pitiful they wish their parents would get divorced and they also feel miserable through it. We need someone to take care of them before divorce destroys the happiness the ordinary children have.

I absolutely agree! Only parents manage them from this problem as parents cause this problem. They should consider their children and learn how to handle this issue.


Alison Fosbery, MA said:

Unfortunately not! Without professional support or counselling, it is very hard for parents to protect their children from the negativity involved with divorce. Parents need continuous education on how to behave and speak to their children, in order to ensure the kids are not paying the price for their parents' failed relationship. 

When I was divorcing, my mediator suggested I communicate with my daughter many times. I assumed my daughter should get involved with divorce, and I asked her some questions related to the custody. She looked fine but must have got through a hard time. Yes, parents should be responsible for their own divorce.

Parents should not actually get them into divorce, but really need to concern about them.

I'm not sure if there is a mechanism to help keep kids out of and protected from parental divorce issues, just as there is no way to keep children out of any marriage issues--in fact, I think kids suffer less from amicable divorces than from rocky marriages--but communication with kids is key in divorce and marriage alike. I wish there were some more prominent mechanisms to help children understand their parents and not internalize what goes on between them. As much as mediation is a <great> start to what is offered, and counseling or therapy is available (although still slightly stigmatized), I think there has to be more put in place to help younger minds understand adult issues in a way that doesn't affect them long into the future.

And do you have any specific suggestions?

It is obvious for them to get angry because most of the times kids suffer the most.They do not want to get their parents separated and take the children apart from their other parent.Well anybody whose parents get divorced develop a feeling of hatred and anger towards their parents and also suffer from difference between their parents.Divorce lawyer always try to make the divorce case to get the children all of their rights and even court also make decision in favors of children.

My oldest daughter took it harder than my youngest daughter.  My oldest was away at college and she said she felt safe and secure in her own environment, but didn't have to "deal" with the negativity of her parents separation.  My youngest was living at home and living it every day.  She said "the train was leaving the station and I had to decide to get on it or be left behind and have to deal".  She jumped on the train and rode it through the turmoil of watching her parents divorce. 

I'm a product of divorce myself and found a letter I wrote when I was 16 about how I felt about my parents.  I remember my mom and dad asking questions about the other and I didn't like it at all.  I made a point of not doing that to my girls.  Whatever he did was his business -- unless it affected my children.  Other than that, I put focus on me and my healing so that I could help my children heal too.  Keep moving forward and stop looking back!!!

Therapy is the best avenue for everyone.  Children by themselves with the therapist so they can ask questions and talk things out.  Also, therapy together with the parent and children so the parent can talk with help of the therapist to answer those difficult questions.  It's not easy going through divorce as a child and as a parent. 

Grief is what happens as a result of the end of a family relationship.  It's as if someone did die, but they didn't.  The other parent just isn't there as often.  That's why finding a family therapist, school counselor, pastor or priest, or talk to all of them -- that's what we did -- also helps.  My daughters had their support systems and so did I or we would have never made it through like we did.  We still rely on our support system from time to time because it's still new -- only five months ago was the final divorce. 

Have faith and friends and family too. 

Watch this video and maybe we can all see what children want when their parents divorce - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm0UNn7tJ5o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm0UNn7tJ5o

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